Round 26 on the 26th.

Dear self,

I guess you did quite a good job getting through 25. You finally went out on a limb for once, you grew a proverbial spine, in short, you really grew up. And it’s good that you actually enjoyed yourself doing it. Guess the ol’ quarter-life crisis scare didn’t really get that bad on you, huh? Yay!

I know the coming days are gonna be different. The ride’s gonna get exciting, scary, challenging and whatnot. Changes are gonna be happening, big ones and small. But I guess that’s what you need now, right? You’ve paved your way in Round 25, now you get to walk it down.

I wish I can tell you what to do, what to expect, how to act, but I honestly can’t. I guess anything that floats your tiny wobbly boat, as long as it makes you happy, so be it. Just remember, you are responsible for your own happiness. Take baby steps, that’s fine. Just don’t forget to actually take steps that lead you somewhere. You’re done with going round and round in circles.

Good luck, self. However, stop relying so much on it and take more control. Your time to be wishy-washy is very well over, you don’t get to blame it on quarter-life crisis anymore. Now just step out and do awesome shit. Go.

Just don’t forget to breathe, take deep ones every once in a while.

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“But on the inside she’s a happy goth.”

While I can sternly swear I am not an actual goth nor dress like one,
having The Happy Goth by The Divine Comedy come up on my iPod this morning certainly gave me a smile.

“That music you play, I’m not saying it’s bad, it just seems terribly sad.
Is everything all right?”

Some days ago, being stuck in the usual Jakarta traffic on the way home, I decided to entertain myself and post on Twitter some cover versions of old songs that are heartbreakingly beautiful. Not long after, a friend actually messaged me and asked, “Are you okay? You seem a bit down. Need company? You seem kind of lonely these days”. I didn’t quite know how to answer to that properly, for I was actually really okay, and perfectly happy, even on my own.

This kind of got me thinking, am I really that much of a wallflower? Even if I am, why should I be sad with that fact? And I can’t help but to wonder, why is the general consensus that you can never be happy on your own?

I’ve always had this belief that we’re all responsible for our own happiness, so why should we depend solely on the company of others? I mean, we’re all born alone (seriously, not even twins came out of their mum at the exact same time, right?) and eventually will die alone, so why can’t we be happy alone? It seems a bit silly to me that just because we can’t be constantly in the company of others we can’t be happy.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy being with people and I seriously can’t be more thankful for the wonderful friends that I’ve got, but that doesn’t mean I’m helplessly unhappy whenever I’m stuck alone by myself. I mean, with my life the way it is and the solitary hours I spent most of the time, how depressing would it be if I can’t be happy being only with myself?

And after all, here I am, spilling my thoughts to the whole world through this blog, right? See, I don’t really bottle things up by myself 🙂 As if I had anything to bottle up anyway.

“Don’t worry Mum, don’t worry Dad.
The hours that I spend alone are the happiest I’ve ever had.”

Well, whaddyaknow..

Yeah, yeah, I know. You’re probably going “oh bleedin’ hell, this girl has yet another blog? for real?”

Yep. For real. To be honest, this time it’s Posterous’ fault though. I was just getting warmed up over there when it decided to suddenly bonk out on us all. And yes, I do have a Tumblr, but come on. Who actually blogs real blog entries on Tumblr? And don’t even get me started about Blogspot. So.. um. Yeah, here I am.

And why do I make such a fuss that I have to have a personal blog, you ask? I honestly dunno. I mean, those who know me surely know such crap I spew regularly. I’m never one of those tech-y, smart, wise, nor up-to-date writers. All I know is that I’ve been writing down bits and bobs for more than 10 years, and as of now I just don’t see any other venting outlet.

In short, as new as this thing might be to me, I’m just making sure I’m still doing whatever I’ve been doing all this time. Let’s just hope I can muster enough things to think and write about here.