It’s just exactly what The Big J needs, after all the heat and dust flying around. Perfect way to kick start the weekend.
But hey, here I am, 5.15 in the morning on a Saturday, just having received a reminder for my gym session at 7 am..
I guess it’s one of those Energizer-Bunny moments, whether I like it or not.
And so, for the first time in my working years, I found myself crying on the job. Which makes a poor excuse, but it’s the only explanation as to why I did not post yesterday.
Sucks, but I guess these things happen. I guess now I need to raise my failure threshold too, when it comes to these kind of things. Well, we really do learn some new things every day after all..
Challenges. They drive me nuts. Especially the ones that push me right waaaay outside of my comfort zone, to the point of it being a fight-or-flight situation. If it was still 2012, then surely it would have been a flight sitch for me, no questions asked. I was always the flight in a fight or flight.
Funny, how things have changed. Let’s see whether I’ve gone delusional or I’ve actually leveled up. Allez, Wina!
Have you ever missed something so bad you just end up doing whatever it is that may seem stupid or whatever, all for the sake of having whatever it is around?
I know I have. All because of the long period of no rain. From the simplest stuff as not knowing what to wear to suddenly losing the ability to sleep, all because of one thing: the need for the rain to cool off everyone.
Oh aye. I am definitely enjoying this very second right now, being able to be tucked in bed, drifting away to the pitterpatter sound of the rain outside.
Well, well. Here we are, November.
What was set out to be a NaNoWriMo mission has to already take a detour right on the very first day: there is no way in hell I can write a novel, especially in one month. I even run out of word too easily replying to my work e-mails.
But you know what?
I miss the thrill of blogging.
Just the feeling of being able to write down everything, letting go of whatever is in my mind. I know sometimes some habits just die down, but I don’t want this one to be it. Not blogging. In fact, I know this thing should now play a bigger part in my life, especially since now I don’t have anyone to share mundane and random stuff with at home.
So.. Yep. Let’s try blogging every day, all through the month.
Not a novel, but at least I can jot down some piece of my mind. Every single day. Let’s see if I will be able to make it through the month, especially now that I have my iPad, I can’t blame it on technicalities anymore. Heh.
“But what are you going to write about?”, you ask? Well.. I guess we’ll see about that, won’t we?
Just somehow, I keep finding the sister’s books pop up in the randomest corners of our house. Weird, since we have boxed all her stuff nice and neat, yet I keep stumbling over these books from time to time.
Today, which marked exactly 6th year since I last saw her, I found this Stephen Hawking book after a sudden urge to scour through an untouched drawer full of forgotten stuff.
If anything, I think this occurrence is what lead me to my reading habit as it is now. Those who know me some 10 years ago must have known that I didn’t even enjoy reading, to the point of finding it annoying (Well, in my poor defense, school is to blame for that stance!). And what’s more, is that I used to complain that the sister’s books kept taking up all the space in our bedroom.
So what changed? Well, the fact that I kept finding books after books that belonged to her after she’s gone did. And also the fact that the last birthday gift she had given me was also a book. It just feels like this is the least I could do to make it up to her. A silent apology, if you can call it that.
Yet another one of random gifts I’ve gotten from her, even after she’s gone. I guess you still know me best, Sis. Thanks for this one 🙂
When it comes to running, I have to admit I’ve never been the best competitive runner anyway. My times, honestly, have always sucked. But you know how sometimes you keep doing some things just because you enjoy it? That’s how my relationship is, or was, with running.
If anything, running kept me sane during my Singapore days. Who knew, a random shoes purchase at an annual factory sale thing became a habit that helped me overcome stress from pressure and all that. How can you not enjoy getting healthy, in the company of your preference (be it music, or likeminded friends), with the perks of a sense of achievement?
Again, I’ve always noticed that my timing always sucked. But then again, that did not stop me from going distances. I constantly find myself gasping for air by the 200 m mark, or my heart would be racing. But did that stop me from going from Bukit Timah to Holland Village (and back again) or deter me from taking on those 5Ks? Hell no. I’ve just always reckoned them as a lesson in perseverance.
But I guess, after all, the hard truth is always the one that hits in the end, and this time there is no sneaking my way around it. Sure, I can just ignore the fact that my heart would overwork itself, putting me at risk while I have my fun. But that is not the reason I started this in the first place. Logic, and in the literal sense, heart over everything.
At least I’ll still be doing light runs, albeit not in races and not in such lengths. And hey, I guess this proves that if anyone with a faulty body like mine could do it (several times over), any normal person can do it. All it takes is the will power to take the first steps 😉
“You learn to love the things you’ve got”
I know Passenger was not talking about a medical condition when he wrote this, but hell. I’ll own this thing and show it who’s boss.
And so, here we are at the end of yet another Ramadhan.
Jujur, di mana orang2 lain sepertinya bahagia dan gugum gumbira sepanjang Ramadhan lah, dapet berkah ini itu lah, gue ngga merasa kaya gitu sama sekali. How do I feel now? Tired. Worn out. Absolutely drained.
However, in the spirit of trying to be less of a negative person (ha.), I can sort of see that throughout this whole month I’ve been taught the biggest lessons. Leaving details aside (because I do not wish to turn this post into an ugly sobbing woe-is-me blog post), let’s put it at that. I have been put through some major crash courses this whole month.
Lessons in patience. Lessons in coping. Lessons in creativity. Lessons in perseverance. Lessons in grace under pressure. Even lessons in letting go.
Let’s just say, what other people are getting through joyous moments, I am learning it the hard way. And now, I can only hope all this is God’s way of preparing me of something big. Hopefully, in a good sense at that.
Good things come to those who hustle. And so if God wants me to step harder on the pedals, so be it.
Been a while, and now that I’m actually posting again it’s this sombre. But hey, I need this for my therapy, so be it.
By now, I’ve learned full well that pressure is not something you avoid. In fact, I think I can honestly say I deal with it quite well, and I quite often find myself performing well under pressure.
One trouble of getting used to it though, is how do we know when we’ve had too much?
How do you know it’s not just you being a crybaby while the world is actually toughening you up?
How can you tell when something is actually preparing you for a next level instead of driving you insane?
Dealing with it, meanwhile, is a completely different universe altogether.
Do we fight? Do we take flight?
What do you do when all you want is just to let everything go but you have everyone around you saying “Don’t be crazy, you’re into something good, don’t let it get away”?
Just exactly how much do we have to put up with in pursuit of progress?